LEAKED: Commission on Presidential Debates’ Upcoming Debate Modifications

After last night’s debacle of a presidential debate, the Commission on Presidential Debates announced this morning that structural changes are being considered for the remaining two debates between President Donald Trump and former Vice President Joe Biden in order to “ensure a more orderly discussion of the issues.” The Commission has not officially announced the changes it intends to make to the debate structure, but a source close to members of the leadership board has revealed some of the modifications to be expected. While microphones will not be muted, as this would prevent justified objections from being made in the likely event that one candidate slanders the other,

  • Both candidates will be mildly sedated prior to the debate, in order to keep the discussion calm and reduce interruptions (Commission staff are currently reviewing the candidate’s medical records to find a suitable sedative that will not conflict with either of the septuagenarian’s medications)
  • The debates will be moved to daycare facilities, where brightly colored toys and plush surfaces will soothe the candidates and provide distractions, if necessary
  • Moderators will be required to study child psychology prior to the debates, and each candidate will be joined by one of those kindergarten teachers who have gone viral for their skill in keeping students on track during Zoom schooling (who exactly will be assisting the candidates is to be determined)
  • Candidates will be made to wear shock collars, in the control of the moderators, for use when one candidate tries to change the subject (or fails to denounce white supremacy), and
  • A 1-inch thick plexiglass wall will separate the candidates, if all else fails and the two grown men resort to fisticuffs.

As the candidates continue to campaign the swing states and prepare for the remaining debates, the public anxiously awaits the official announcement of these changes.

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